“Go from Meeting with People to Meeting More Meaningfully with People.”

Submitted to: The Hoopis Performance Network
By Trisha Gallagher Boisvert
June 21, 2011

It’s one thing to meet people, and it’s another thing to meet with people, but it’s a whole other ball game when you can meet meaningfully with people.

I was reminded of this a couple of weeks ago when I was getting an annual physical. I’ve been going to the same doctor for years but it took me 4 – 5 visits to figure out that we have the same conversation every year! It occurred to me that he must have a bullet list of 3 – 4 conversation reminders in my folder that he revisits every year and, now that I’ve realized it, I find I dread the conversation because I feel like I’m stuck in the old Bill Murray film, Ground Hog Day. This is precisely not how we want our clients, prospects and friends to feel after meeting with us!

Having a meaningful conversation may sound like an easy thing to do but, when you look back on the last week, how many conversations have you had that were truly substantive and therefore memorable? Probably not as many as you could have if you were consciously working on how to connect more meaningfully with clients, prospects and other people that are in your circle of influence.

Let’s briefly review a few basics that good conversationalists use with every conversation and then dig down into how we can take these basic skills and add a few more to really have a positive impact on our relationships.

We all know that good conversationalists…

- Make people feel comfortable
- Don’t interrupt
- Have an opinion but state it in a non-combative way
- Actively listen; they’re present in the moment
- Pay attention to body language: theirs and yours.
- Stay positive
- Are willing to share but respect social boundaries
- Don’t have a set agenda other than to get to know you better.

And really good conversationalists have clever ways to get you to talk.

They may season a conversation with a few questions like,

• If you weren’t so lucky to be doing what you’re doing today, what other path might you have chosen?

• So, when you’re not busy with your career, how do you like to unwind?

• If you could take a trip next month and money or time didn’t matter, where would you go?

These types of questions are just enough out-of-the-box to be considered fresh and engaging by most people but still fall within appropriate social boundaries so that people will feel willing and even obliged to reply.

Now that we’ve reminded ourselves of a few basics for creative engagement, it’s time to raise the bar and get your conversation tactics at a level where they’re going to positively impact your life and your practice! This is no mojo! Did you know that research studies conducted last year from Washington University in St. Louis and the University of Arizona have found that people who have more conversations, no matter how trivial, appear to be generally happier but people who are the happiest engage often in more substantive and meaningful conversations. (For more on the research, read this March 30, 2010 article from the magazine website Physorg.com: http://www.physorg.com/news189188045.html.)

Further, the author Lois Kelly in her book, “Beyond Buzz: The Next Generation of Word of Mouth Marketing,” tells us that, “Studies have found that the more customers participate in meaningful conversations and interactions with companies, the more likely they are to purchase a product or service or recommend it to others.” Could this be what all of these blogs, Facebook and LinkedIn conversations are aiming to achieve? Then maybe we should also try to achieve it when we’re conversing with people the old fashioned way.

What the science is really telling us is that the search for meaning in our daily life is an innate drive in all of us. Our job as leaders, trainers, financial representatives, parents, partners, friends, etc., is to not only identify and convey the transcendent purpose of a given situation but to make sure people tune into their transcendent purpose in a given situation. Think about it: it’s the central prerogative of our professional role as financial service professionals.

Let’s look at a couple of examples.

You may have a few clients, friends or relatives that have been out of work. It’s probably been a highly stressful even traumatic time for them and you may feel at a loss for how you can help them. One way to do this is to neutralize the situation by turning it on its head. What you can say is, “I understand it’s been a really tough phase for you and your family. I also know that we all learn and grow even in the darkest of times. I’m curious, what have you or your family learned from going through the months of trial? Have you found there are new activities you can all enjoy that don’t cost as much? Have you looked at other career options and has anything caught your attention? Have you found some people who have been surprisingly helpful that you didn’t count on before?” You may not be able to solve their problem directly but, in a sense, you may have helped them more by getting them to look at their situation differently. What’s more, these types of questions will delve you into a meaningful, mostly positive conversation that you and your colleague/friend may never forget.

In a different scenario, you may have a client, spouse or friend who feels stuck in a dead-end job or is battling a serious health problem. In these situations, it’s useful to recall Nietzshe’s words: “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” Aha! Here’s a reminder about the importance of asking the “why” question that we so often neglect. When one knows enough about what motivates individuals, whether it’s another human being, a quest for travel, or an unfinished goal to be accomplished, one can use these motivators as a tool of focus; a “Drishdi,” which is a Sanskrit term for insight but in English we use it more as a point for concentration. Again, in getting them to use their motivators as a tool, you’re not changing their situation but you’re helping them elevate their perspective to a more positive plane. In other words, you’re showing them how to bear their burden in a new light.

Like anything worthwhile, meaningful conversations take practice but it doesn’t cost anything to build better habits starting today. These habits when genuinely exhibited will not only lead you to greater personal happiness--at least according to the research--but to stronger, deeper relationships. And, if the offshoot of that is more sales success for you and more protection or prosperity for your clients, than that’s a good thing too. Perhaps the most well known book on this important topic is by Holocaust survivor and renowned Logotherapist, Viktor Frankel’s “Man’s Search for Meaning.” When asked by a student what was the meaning of life, his response tied in perfectly with the goal that is so central to the mission of our industry—our Drishdi--if you will. Frankel replied: “The meaning of your life is to help others find the meaning of theirs.”

Trisha Gallagher Boisvert is principal of The Gallagher Group, a consulting firm based in the Boston area that specializes in providing intelligent marketing and recruiting strategies for financial services companies. Trisha can be reached at trisha@thegallaghergroup.net., LinkedIn.com, or “The Gallagher Group” on Facebook.